Insomniac

everything is monochrome now,
with too much black--
I used to embrace the Night
but now it suffocates,
taunts,
twists,
and expands...
magnifying what I'm missing,
reminding me what I've done
and failed
to do

and it's two steps
to the edge of despair,
a quarter turn
to self destruction,
with a scorched earth
calling to me from below

but this time I will
stand my ground,
swallow my pride,
swallow my pain,
feed my resolve
from the manna
of my heart
and cut out
the cancer
that has
poisoned me
for too long,
turned everything
into these bleeding blacks
and fading whites
and kept me caged
in a well of fear,
deeper and darker
than the night
that surrounds me now

I have beaten back
a thousand demons
in my life
and they all left a scar,
or two,
and I would think
that my heart
looks like
a road map
to sadness
if I hadn't found you here,
arms outstretched
like coming home,
to show me
that even the damaged
deserve love

and I chase away
the demons now
with the thought of you,
your name falling
from my lips
with each beat
of my battered heart,
whispered
like a prayer

and I hold on to hope,
like my only child,
and pray
it's not too late
to bathe, once more
in the brilliant color
of your radiant soul,
your delicate light,
and to drown,
happily,
in the warmth
of your loving embrace
until every star
is a memory to the sky.

chase allen copyright 2011